Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

Whatsa matter, M'ette, you ain't Irish??   

Maybe She is...

[Teresa Heilevang]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was bitched at for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Dakotaranger]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was bitched at for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

If it were me I'd rather not hear her for two or three days.

[Outlaw]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

  The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
 
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


See -  Men just don't listen!

 

[Outlaw]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
 
As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of crap.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:  I'm doing it as
 a public service.

 

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
 
As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of crap.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:  I'm doing it as
 a public service.

 

I'll toast to that!

[ellis4538]

I'll toast to anything!

[Teresa Heilevang]

A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.  I come
once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell ' Mississippi '.'


 $ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

 

[Hazcat]

A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.  I come
once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell ' Mississippi '.'


 $ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

 

I owe ya!

[cookie62]

Yep....... five it is