Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Well maybe ONE,  This lady goes to see her Blonde freind who has 2 new dogs. The friend asks the dogs names and the blonde answers,"This one is Rolex and that one is Timex." The friend says" Why did you give them dumb names like that?" The blonde answers, "HELLOO OO, They're watch dogs."

[Hazcat]

Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz? 

Well, what we need is something to 'rake' the roof clean.

Hmmmm.....I got it!   Chain shot fired at the same angle as the roof!


Yeah, that should do it!

[Teresa Heilevang]

Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz? 

Tom... you probably couldn't put any on here that I haven't heard ( or told myself) 

Well, what we need is something to 'rake' the roof clean.

Hmmmm.....I got it!   Chain shot fired at the same angle as the roof!


Yeah, that should do it!

THAT IS IT!!!

MARSHAL!~~~~~~~~~~~~


And if that don't work to straighten him up and you let him out too early.. then I'll catch him later...

[Hazcat]

UH OH!!!

[Teresa Heilevang]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
 
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
 
When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
 
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
 
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
 
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot .

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

Tom... you probably couldn't put any on here that I haven't heard ( or told myself) 

OK,  Blonde takes her car to the shop and tells the Mechanic it keeps sputtering and stalling. After he's been under the hood for a while she comes over and asks "Whats the story?" he tells her"Just crap in the carbutator." The blonde answers "OK, How often?"

Haz, I can get you a good deal on a file and a crash helmet

THAT IS IT!!!

MARSHAL!~~~~~~~~~~~~


And if that don't work to straighten him up and you let him out too early.. then I'll catch him later...

[Hazcat]

Haz, I can get you a good deal on a file and a crash helmet

Gee!  What a pal!

[Teresa Heilevang]

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her.
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
 "Yes, I do," she replies smiling.
Sniffling a little bit he continues.. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

[cookie62]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.  I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger.'
<>
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
<>
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.  'How about nuclear power?'
and he smiles. 
<>
'OK, ' she said.  'That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass -  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
<>
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says,
<> 
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,
<> 
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't
know shit?

[Teresa Heilevang]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
 to file her taxes.

 The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few question.
 He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What is your occupation?'
 
'I'm a whore,' she says.
 
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, 'No, No, No, that won't work.
Let's try to rephrase that'
 
The woman says 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
 
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
 
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
 
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'
 
"Well", she said,"I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
 
'Chicken Farmer it is.'