Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Gee!  What a pal!

I try to be helpful 

[Bigpops]

Two gay guys are standing at seperate urinals in the mens room.

One looks at the others privates, notices something odd and says "oohh, what happened to you?  Why the Band-aide?

The other replies "That's no Band-aide......it's the "patch"....I am down to two butts a day!

[Grizzle_Bear]

The other replies "That's no Band-aide......it's the "patch"....I am down to two butts a day!

DING! DING! DING! DING!

We have a winner for worst joke of the thread!


Grizzle Bear

[Teresa Heilevang]

But I smiled... 
 and then I smiled bigger after the Ding Ding Ding Ding.. LOL

[Ichiban]

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She Spends

$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she

stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the

clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I

am?"


"About 32," is the reply.


"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald 's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."


The woman replies, "Nope. I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store

on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some

mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh,

I'd say 30."


Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm almost 70 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."


They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best

of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around

very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast... He

gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay,okay...How old am I?"


He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and

says. "Madam, you are 50."


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'


The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"


"I promise I won't." she says.


He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

A man, returning home a day early from a
business trip, got into a taxi> at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his
home, he> asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was> having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.>> For $100, the
cabby agreed.>> Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed
into> the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back>
and there was his wife in bed with another man.>> The husband put a gun to the
naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't> do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I> inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I
gave you. He paid for our> new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh
Steeler tickets.> He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country
club> membership, and he even pays for the month ly dues!'>> Shaking his head
from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.> He looked over at the
cabby and said, 'What would you do?'>> The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with
that blanket before he catches a> cold.'

[MikeBjerum]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.  The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense he walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


Here's the easy out to your fashion image Michael 

[MikeBjerum]

The Reverends Jesse  Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
school class, found  themselves in the middle of a discussion related to
words and their  meanings.

The teacher asked  both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
the word "tragedy".  So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for
an example of a  "tragedy".

One little boy  stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in  the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead,  that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great  Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl  raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff,  killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,"  explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we
would call a great  loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.

Reverend Al  searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example  of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back  of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a
stern voice he  says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were  struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would
be a  tragedy."

Fantastic!"  exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can
you tell me why  that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little  Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a
great loss, and it  probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[MikeBjerum]

Handy  Household  Cleaning  Tip

1.  Place 1/8 cup shampoo in the toilet;

2.  Place cat in toilet and QUICKLY close the lid;

3.  Stand on the lid;

Note:  Don't be concerned by the splashing and noises from the toilet - the cat loves this.

4.  Flush toilet three or four times to rinse;

5.  Have an assistant open the bathroom door and front door to house while clearing all people from the path between the two;

6.  Position yourself as far behind the toilet as possible;

7.  Quickly raise the lid;

The cat will exit the house and dry himself in the front yard - Don't worry - This is a completely natural act!

You will find that you not only have the cleanest toilet in the neighborhood, but your cat is shiny clean and fresh smelling. 
You also were able to do this without any sweat on your part.

This handy tip brought to you by ....


The  Dog

[Pathfinder]

Handy  Household  Cleaning  Tip

1.  Place 1/8 cup shampoo in the toilet;

2.  Place cat in toilet and QUICKLY close the lid;

3.  Stand on the lid;

Note:  Don't be concerned by the splashing and noises from the toilet - the cat loves this.

4.  Flush toilet three or four times to rinse;

5.  Have an assistant open the bathroom door and front door to house while clearing all people from the path between the two;

6.  Position yourself as far behind the toilet as possible;

7.  Quickly raise the lid;

The cat will exit the house and dry himself in the front yard - Don't worry - This is a completely natural act!

You will find that you not only have the cleanest toilet in the neighborhood, but your cat is shiny clean and fresh smelling. 
You also were able to do this without any sweat on your part.

This handy tip brought to you by ....


The  Dog

Haz's normal Saturday night activities, I would say.