Classic joke thread...

[twyacht]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf,

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it ! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry
Christmas ! It's a great morning - intercourse or golfcourse'

She said,"Don't forget your sweater."

 

[santahog]

Guy has a parrot named Bob. Bob has been acting up, tearing up the paper in the bottom of his cage, screeching and flapping around. The guy asks, "Bob, what's the problem." Bob whistles and says, "Bob wants a girl. Bob wants a girl. Awk! Bob wants a girl."
 
So the guy puts an ad in the paper looking for a mate. Finally, a woman responds to the ad. She has a female parrot she will rent for one evening for $50. The guy argues that usually the male gets the stud fee, but the lady is unrelenting and Bob is near hysteria, so the agreement is made.
 
The lady brings over the female. They put her in the cage with Bob and put a cover on the cage. In a matter of seconds there is horrible screeching and feathers are flying out from under the cover.
 
They rip off the cover and Bob has the female parrot pinned to the bottom of the cage, has half her feathers ripped out and is working on the other half.

The guy yells at bob, "Bob! What are your doing!?!"
 
Bob says, "For $50 I want her naked!"

[tombogan03884]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

[MinotBob]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans,
with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their carand a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah,shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely,killing everyone in the car. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[Majer]

I was drying off after a shower. It was extremely humid and the towel wasn't getting the job done so I took out the hair dryer and was drying off my private parts when my wife walked in and exclaimed...."What the hell are you doing?"

"apparently Heating up her dinner was the wrong response....."

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some
of those pills that help get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back
and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

[Big Frank]

.

[gunman42782]

We were sitting at the breakfast table Sunday morning. Reading the paper and enjoying the 2nd coffee. I told my wife something that had been bothering me for a while.
"Dear, if I die I want you to do me a favor. Sell all my stuff right away. Don't waste any time, just sell it all."
"Ok," she said, "but why?"
"Well, you're a good woman and I'm sure you will remarry. I don't want some other jackass playing around with my stuff. Just sell it all!"
She smiled sweetly and asked, "What makes you think I would marry ANOTHER jackass?"
Somehow, conversations with her don't always come out right.

[tombogan03884]

A Mainer and a NH Man were hunting in up state NH when an illegal alien runs
across the field.

The NH Man takes careful aim, shoots him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Mainer.

"No, no, it's legal here in NH " replies the NH Man.

Later that night the Mainer goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof
of his truck to open the door.
Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Mainer thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in NH!" protests
the Mainer.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

[sledgemeister]

A Mainer and a NH Man were hunting in up state NH when an illegal alien runs
across the field.

The NH Man takes careful aim, shoots him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Mainer.

"No, no, it's legal here in NH " replies the NH Man.

Later that night the Mainer goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof
of his truck to open the door.
Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Mainer thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in NH!" protests
the Mainer.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

Stolen and modified for australians 

That is so Northern Territory and a Queenslander.... muahh