Classic joke thread...

[ericire12]

[Teresa Heilevang]

MEDICAL  INSURANCE EXPLAINED 
(Research done by the AARP Legal Department)
 
 
Q. What does HMO stand for?
 
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase ,  "HEY  MOE."   Its roots go back to a
concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient
could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
 

Q. I just joined an Arizona HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
 
A. Just  slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you
with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.  The  doctors basically fall into two
categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see
you but are no longer participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and  accepting new patients has an office just 2 day's drive away
somewhere in northern New Mexico.
 

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures  require  pre-certification?
 
A. No. Only those you need.
 

Q.  Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
 
A.  Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
 

Q.  What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
 
A.  You'll  need to find alternative forms of payment.
 

Q. My  pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I  tried the generic medication, but it gave me a  stomach ache. What should I do?
 
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
 

Q. What if I'm away from home and I  get sick?
 
A. You really shouldn't do that.
 

Q.  I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.
Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in  his/her office?
 
A.  Hard  to say, but, considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's
no harm in giving it a shot .
 

Q.  Will health care be different in  the next decade?
 
A.  No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

 
 
 
To Your Good Health (because as you see, you'll need it!)

[ericire12]

[Teresa Heilevang]

This has to be one of the funniest country songs ever written.......not the perfect one mind you.....no trains, dogs, pickup trucks, jail or Divorce........But a great country song.....

You'll need sound to appreciate this one.

http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html   

[someguy]

Ah, yes - Horn Lake...  Just south of Memphis.  I was there this morning, in fact.

It still smells. 

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

> 'Old Butch'
> John, the farmer,
> was in the fertilized egg business.  He
> had several hundred young layers
> (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten
> roosters, whose job it was to fertilize
> the eggs.   The farmer kept records, and
> any rooster that didn't
> perform went into the soup pot and was
> replaced.
>
>
> That took an awful lot of his time, so
> he bought a set of tiny
> bells and attached them to his roosters.
> Each bell had a different tone
> so John could tell from a distance which
> rooster was performing.
>
>
> Now he could sit on the porch and fill
> out an efficiency
> report simply by listening to the bells.
>
>
> The farmer's favorite rooster was old
> Butch, a very fine specimen.  But on
> this particular morning, John noticed
> old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
> all.
>
> John went to investigate.  The other
> roosters were chasing pullets all over
> the place with bells-a-ringing. The
> pullets, upon hearing the roosters
> coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer
> John's amazement, old Butch had his bell
> in his beak, so it couldn't
> ring.
>
> He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job
> and walk on to the next one.
>
> John was so proud of
> old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew
> County Fair, and he became an
> overnight sensation among the judges.
>
> The result...  The judges not only
> awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize,
> but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise
> as well.
>
> Clearly
> old Butch was a politician in the
> making: who e lse but a politician could
> figure out how to win two of the most
> highly coveted awards on our planet by
> being the best at sneaking up on the
> populace and screwing them when they
> weren't paying attention.
>
> Vote carefully this year...the
> bells are not always audible.
>

[Teresa Heilevang]

I have to put this one on here.. ..........
once again apologizing for the content..


A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. 
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
'Yes we do have dildos.

Actually, we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks:
'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong a aand aabbou ttwoo inchess ththiick...
aaand rruns by bbaatteries?'

   The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

 She asks:
'Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?'
[/color]

[Bill Stryker]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.  Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Pathfinder]

Sadly, a true story although funny as all get out:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,361382,00.html

Surgeons Remove 16 Steel Washers From Man's 'Nether Region'
Monday, June 02, 2008
The Daily Telegraph

Hazardous Hardware?

An Australian man was operated on in Hornsby Hospital in Berowra Sunday where surgeons removed 16 stainless steel washers from "down under," The Daily Telegraph reports.

Berowra Fire Rescue officers were called to alleviate the man from his awkward predicament at 3 a.m. Berowra is a suburb of northern Sydney in the state of New South Wales, Australia.

It was not clear how the man's situation arose.

Fire rescue officers spent more than an hour unsuccessfully attempting to remove the washers, before the man was taken into an operating room about 4.30 a.m.

Surgeons took about 90 minutes to remove the washers using fire brigade equipment.

A hospital spokesman said equipment normally used to remove rings from fingers was ineffective because of the thicker nature of the washers.

The man was in a satisfactory condition.

It is believed the only lasting damage may be to his pride.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take a look on the FoxNews webiste at the washers they removed from his - "nether regions". His pride is taking a beating cuz. the inner holes of the washers are so doggone small. If my - hmmmmm - johnson? - unit - member - whatever was small enough to fit into one of thsoe, I would have found a way to cut the washers off by myself to avoid the publicity!

[TAB]

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day.

When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those f our guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.

The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted.