Classic joke thread...

[philw]

I went to the doctor for a check -up.

He said, "The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise."

I said, "What's the next-best advice?"   

[santahog]

RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.

I think you're safe... 
When the Chinese come for Taiwan, I don't expect we'll be planting any flags out your way.. 
(You might want to get Prince Harry's number on speed dial, though. Just in case they're not tied up in the Falklands at the time..) 

[crusader rabbit]

When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast even houses of
worship were not spared.

A local television station interviewed a woman from New Orleans and
asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those
other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our
chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

They live among us, AND THEY VOTE.

Now do you understand how we got our president?
 

[kmitch200]

A guy talking to his friend says...
"I went in for a routine checkup today. Everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass."

"Well, that's a normal procedure."

"So you don't think I should change dentists?"

[Majer]

Catholic Bragging

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast size, 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips... When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!”

[Sponsor]

[45 Defender]

Microchip Implant Allows Islamic Terrorists to Speak to God.
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God!!!

It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.



The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,


"I take great comfort in knowing that the last thing Osama bin Laden saw on this earth was an American." (A Navy Seal)
When a American Army Sniper was asked what did he feel when he pulled the trigger on his .50 caliber rifle and killed a terrorist?  His reply, "A little recoil on my shoulder"!!
 

[crusader rabbit]

Catholic Bragging

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast size, 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips... When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!”

What's one of the best things about Catholics?

Whenever four Catholics are gathered together, you will always find a fifth.

[Majer]

My Uncle lived in Chicago, was a staunch conservative, and

voted straight line Republican until the day he died.

Now, he votes Democrat.

[sledgemeister]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend.

 
“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda.



“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”


Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.


“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”


With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said.



“But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”



“Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

[kmitch200]

PMS helper