Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

Ouch, that hurts!

[ericire12]

[Hazcat]

NAAAAA.

That's the definition of upper crust old.

Redneck old is telling your friend ya got a new honey hole and him asking for the GPS coordinates.

[laemperatriz]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't
ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[tombogan03884]

A woman went to the emergency room and was seen by a young doctor, after about 3 minutes in the emergency room the young doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the emergency and ran down the hall screaming until she met an older doctor who asked her what was wrong, after listening to her story he calmed her down and sat her down in another room, then marched down to the young doctors office and demanded "Whats wrong with you ? This lady is 63 years old, has 2 grown children and several grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant .
The young doctor , without looking up from his clipboard asked, "Does she still have hiccups ?

[Sponsor]

[Ron J]

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

A recent study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. 
 
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American.

[Ron J]

Post Turtle
   
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. 

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. 

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a "post turtle"."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. 

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post turtle"."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.  "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumby put him up there."

[cookie62]

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

 

 

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

 

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

 

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

 

'Hello!..Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

 

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

 

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . ...

'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed,

'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive....

 
 
 
 
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
 "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
 

[Bill Stryker]

An Italian Boy's Confession
>
>
>
> 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
>
> The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
>
>
> 'Yes, Father, it is.'
>
> 'And who was the girl you were with?'
>
>
> 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
>
> Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
> well tell me now.
>
>
> Was it Tina Minetti?'
>
> 'I cannot say.'
>
>
> 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
>
> 'I'll never tell.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
>
> 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
>
> 'My lips are sealed.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
>
> 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
>
>
>
> The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
> and I admire that.
>
> But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for
> 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
>
> Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
> whispers, 'What'd you get?'
>
>
>
> '4 months vacation and five good leads.'
>
> --