Classic joke thread...

[Dougdubya]

Preacher's Donkey
 
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the
Man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way
(being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the
Donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"
 
The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"
 
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on
The animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
 
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
 
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode
Off, very proud of his new purchase.
 
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As
He headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to
Make the donkey stop.
 
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept
Going.
 
"Oh, no..."
 
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The
Donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and
Closer to the edge of the cliff.
 
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please,
Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the
End of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."
 
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the
Edge of the cliff.
 
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

[ericire12]

Obama video of the day. Stick to the teleprompter, Barack-O!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxBX8sz3tO8

[Teresa Heilevang]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch ...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces.

'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

[Bill Stryker]

Mexico Drops Out of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics this summer.

He stated: ''Casi todos los que pueden correr, saltar, o nadar ya han
salido del pais.''



Translation:

"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left our
country."

 

[Bill Stryker]

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now'.

The other mum replies, 'I remember him as a baby.'

Mum says, 'He's a martyr now.'

'Oh, so sad my dear.'

Mum flips to another picture. 'And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21.'

'Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.'

Mum sighs, 'He's a martyr, too.'

'Oh gracious me ,' says the second mother.

'And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18'. Mum whispers.

'Yes,' says her friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also', Mum says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?
 

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

The Veterinarian

 

 
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church
found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

 
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

 
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

 
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

 
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

 
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

 
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

 
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

 
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

[Bill Stryker]

 Future Profession

 

     



    An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it
     was getting time the boy should give some thought to
     choosing a profession. Like many young men his age,

     the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
     didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the

    boy was away at school, his father decided to try an

     experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on

     his study table four objects.

     1. A bible.

     2. A silver dollar.

     3. A bottle of whisky.

     4. And a Playboy magazine.

     'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to
     himself.? 'When he comes home from school today,
     I'll see which object he picks up.
     If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like
     me, And what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
     dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would

    be okay, too. Butif he picks up the bottle, he's going to be

    a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would

     be.And worst of all If he picks up that magazine he's going to

     be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's

    foot- steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his

    room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to

     leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity

    in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
     Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
     He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
     He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this

     month's centerfold.
     'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly
     whispered.'He' s gonna run for Congress.'

[tt11758]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water,
 however, is a whole other issue."

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door .

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes? 

See everbody?? I can do clean jokes!~

Damn it, SOME of them ain't funny!!!

[Ron J]

This lady is down in New Orleans and has enjoyed the town. After a few drinks too many, she decides she wants a tattoo.

She starts walking down the side streets and finds a tattoo parlor. She staggers in and begins to enjoy the art. Finally, the manager and … probably the best tattoo artist in the Southeast finishes up a previous customer and comes up to her and asks if he can be of any help.

The lady says that she is a huge fan of Elvis and wants a tattoo of the rocker on the inside of her thigh. That way “The King” will be close to her … well, you get the point. So he shows her a half dozen different Elvis designs. She decides on one of the simpler, early Elvis designs. As he asks her to pull up her skirt so he could go to work, he finds that she is not wearing any panties and is going “commando”. No big deal, in a tattoo parlor in the “Big Easy”, you see it all.

Down between her knees, he gets to work. After a couple of hours he finishes and shows the young miss his work. She stands … looks down and is pissed. She screams, “What the hell did you do to my leg!! Who the hell is that?!? That’s not Elvis!!”

The artist is taken back. He thought it was one of his best works to date! He tells her to relax and that he would do another tattoo “free” to make her happy. She agrees and picks another Elvis for the inside of her other thigh. He pours her another drink and settles in between her legs to get back to work.   

After a couple of hours, he puts down his ink and lights up a smoke. She screams. “What the HELL have you done to my thigh!!!! You sonofabitch!! That’s not Elvis!!!! You ruined both of my legs!”

The artist is again taken back … and starting to feel the sting of his professional pride kick in. He’s good and she has two Elvis’ on her thighs that are perfect representations of the young and old Elvis. He takes a hit on his smoke and sees some drunk wondering by the front of his shop and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. He plants this guy on his chair, asks her to hike her skirt up for a third opinion.  As she hikes her skirt up, he asks, “OK!  Who do those two guys look like?!?”

The guy, a bit drunk looks from thigh to thigh. Stops. Belches. Looks again. Pauses and while shaking his head says, “I don’t know about those two guys … but the guy in the middle is Willie Nelson!”