Classic joke thread...

[brosometal]

Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Despite votes to the contrary, this is a good one

[MikeBjerum]

Farmers, mostly older ones, will remember the Uni Harvestor (a combine like power unit that you could change units on for different crops and different styles of picking), many wood workers have seen or used the ShopSmith (an all in one power tool), however I think I have come up with one of the most diverse household tool around.  Last fall I took a dishwasher and turned it into a snowblower, and today I turned it into a lawn mower.  How did I do this you ask?  In a mere matter of minutes this afternoon I put her shovel away and filled the mower with gas for her. 

[Teresa Heilevang]

A man goes to a public golf course.

  He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

  The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
  but
  all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this:
  We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to
  take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it
works,   your round of golf is on me today."

  The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.


  He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to
himself,   "I think my driver will do the job."

  The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No, sir. Use your 3 wood. 
 A driver is far too much club for this hole."

  Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball,
and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.


  The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

  As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
  gonna break left to right."

  The robot then again spoke up and said, "No, sir. I do believe this
  green will break right to left."

  He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

  But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played,
thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

  Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked,
"How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.
Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

  A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon
  entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like
  18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

  The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,
  "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots.
  We had too many complaints."

  Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
  complained about those robots? They were incredible."

  The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was
  that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them
  was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. "

  The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

  The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't
show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop,
and the other is running for President."

[Teresa Heilevang]

IT'S ME, GOD, MONICA...

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at
herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose
weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God
for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to you,' She prayed.



And just like that... her ears fell off.

[brosometal]

IT'S ME, GOD, MONICA...

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at
herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose
weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God
for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to you,' She prayed.



And just like that... her ears fell off.

Too funny!  In a related story, in high school one fellow had ears that stuck way out.  They were referred to as "jail house ears"

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex
with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???' he asks.

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[tombogan03884]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex
with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???' he asks.

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Nice way to finish after reading a bunch of TAB's idiocy. 

[santahog]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

--------------------------------------------

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people

[Teresa Heilevang]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today, I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady said, 'Fluc you white people, too.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She
 lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
 
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me?
 I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
 but I don't know where I am.'
 
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're
 in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground
 elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31
 degrees,14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
 49.09minutes west longitude.'
 
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
 
'I am,'replied th e man. 'How did you know?'
 
'Well,'answered the balloonist , ' everything you told me is
 technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
 information,and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
 much help to me.'
 
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
 
'I am,'replied the balloonist. ' How did you know?'
 
'Well,'said the man, 'you don't know where you are or
 where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due
 to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you
 have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve
 your problem. You're in exactly the same position you
 were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'