Classic joke thread...

[Hazcat]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
 
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
 
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'
 
The Priest said, 'No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
 
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.

[MinotBob]

[PegLeg45]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 22 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who's an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. OUT of pure habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly'.

 

[ericire12]

[someguy]

Boy, that last one just BEGS for a caption, doesn't it?  It's almost too easy...

[Sponsor]

[Ocin]

"Where's my laptop. I need to check my hotmail account for those bootleg viagra pill ads!"

It is too simple indeed 

[PegLeg45]

Boy, that last one just BEGS for a caption, doesn't it?  It's almost too easy...

"Here's a good spot to set my beer."

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for a physical.  All
his tests come back showing normal results.  The doctor
said, "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing
mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"
 
George replied, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have
poor eyesight and he's fixed it so when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom, "POOF"! the
light goes on.  When I'm finished, "POOF" the light goes
off."
 
Later in the day the doctor called George's wife, Ethel,
and said, "George is doing fine, but I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it
true that when he gets up during the night, the light goes
on in the bathroom and when he's finished the light goes
off?"
 
"Oh Lord help me! said Ethel, "he's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

[Ksail101]

This is better if it can be spoke so we will see how it turns out on here.

An Asian lady went to Canada for a vacation. she has a strong Japenese accent but speaks english well.
While up there she needed to exchange some money.
So she walks into the bank and gives the teller 10 dollars american and the lady gives her 11 back.
Well the day goes on and she spends her money.
The next morning she decides she needs more money exchanged,
so she walks into the bank gives the lady teller a 10 and this time she gets back only 7 dollars.
"She says hey, you rip me off lady. Yesterday you gave me 11 for 10."
The teller  replies " Fluctuation Ma'am"
The Asian lady says "No F***K you canadian"

 

[PegLeg45]

Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in upstate New York .
HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers' .
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - 'Walking Eagle'.
The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name had given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.