Classic joke thread...

[2HOW]

 
 A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
 the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
 He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
 St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
 Lie-Clock.
 Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
 that she never told a lie.'
 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
 St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
 have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
 life.'
 'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
 'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
 He's using it as a ceiling fan.
 
 
 

[ericire12]

I've heard that before as a Hillary joke

[Teresa Heilevang]

A Day in 2009
 
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Barack Obama."

 The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside
  here."
  The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama".
 
   The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is
  not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again
  walked away.

  The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
  very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
  Barack Obama"

  The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
  said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
  speak to Mr. Obama.  I've told you already several times that Mr.
  Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here.  Don't you
  understand?"

  The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing
  your answer!"

  The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.

[PegLeg45]

An oldie, but a goodie:

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Then, do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know s**t?
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC)



Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,

'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'

 'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

 'Test of Three?'

 'That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?'

 'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

 'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.   

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

 'No, on the contrary...'

 'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

 The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

 Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

 'No, not really...'

 'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

 The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.  This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

 It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

OK.......I just sprayed sweet tea all over my computer.....thanks....

[Pathfinder]

I've heard that before as a Hillary joke

It still works.

[Grizzle_Bear]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC)




 It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Okay, I think we have a new winner for "Best Joke of the Thread."

 

Grizzle Bear

[PegLeg45]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him'.

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Jim, and I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

Ahhhhhhhhh Lawyers....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?