Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

Along that line....

A old married couple were stopped at a traffic signal.  The wife looked over at the young couple in the car next to them (sitting very close to one another). 

Turning to her husband she commented..."Remember when we used to sit like that?"

Smiling, the husband replied "I didn't move."


Richard

[PegLeg45]

An older man was sitting at the kitchen table one morning drinking coffee.

His wife came in and noticed he was crying.

"What on earth is wrong with you?", she asked.

"You remember when I was eighteen and you were only 16?", he said.

She nodded yes.

"And your daddy was the county judge?", he continued.

Again, she nodded an affirmation with a puzzled look on her face.

"You remember the time he came into the garage and caught us going at it in the back seat of his car and he pulled me out by my shirt and stuck his double barreled shotgun at me and said, 'Either you're gonna marry my daughter, or spend the next thirty years in jail.'?", he said, still sobbing.

"Yes, I remember. But what's that got to do with your crying today?", she asked.

He wiped his eyes and sniffed, "I'd be getting out today".

 

[brosometal]

What's the difference between OBama and OSama? Nothing but the BS!

Awesome, simply awesome

[Hazcat]

Things to Ponder   

 
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

 

[SwoopSJ]

I'm so thankful for this thread.  Sometimes it's the only way I can return my blood pressure, as well as, my relative sanity to normal after visiting the political section.   

Swoop

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

'What's wrong?' he asks.

She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?'
 

[Big Frank]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

'What's wrong?' he asks.

She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?'
 

Too bad he doesn't have a jumbo frank. 

[Big Frank]

Three old women were sitting together on a park bench when they were approached by a man wearing a trench coat.  He suddenly whipped his coat open and flashed the women.  The first woman had a stroke.  The second woman had a stroke.  The third couldn't reach.

This one is getting emailed right now. 



Here is a math problem so unbelievable that it will stump you.
Personally, I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.
Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one in your head).

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code).
2. Multiply by 80.
3. Add 1.
4. Multiply by 250.
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250.
8. Divide number by 2.
Do you recognize the answer???

[MikeBjerum]

The wife's graveside service had just barely finished, when there
was  a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of
thunder, shaking the earth like an earthquake, accompanied by more
heavy thunder rumbling in the distance for several minutes.


The husband, a little old man, looked up at the sky, then turned to
the pastor and calmly said "Well, she's there."

[ellis4538]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the

Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you

the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely

soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. 

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep sh!t.


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