Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

What about glass eyes?

[Bill Stryker]

 3 DEAD  BODIES

Three  dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their  faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has  happened.


The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body  is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his  mistress. Hence the enormous smile."


"The  second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars  on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,  hence the smile."     

 

The Inspector asked, "What of the third  body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy  Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning.  "   


"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the  Inspector.     

"Thought she was having her picture  taken."
 

[Bill Stryker]

    NASCAR NEWS... Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew!!


    This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.


    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew
    could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
    It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team
    as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

    At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

[TexGun]

The Inspector asked, "What of the third  body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy  Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning.  "   

 

Hmm... I'm surprised the botox didn't melt into a frown.

[tt11758]

    NASCAR NEWS... Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew!!


    This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.


    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew
    could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
    It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team
    as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

    At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

foclmao     

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

Vocabulary Word for the Day


LIQUIDITY

Definition:

Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!

 

[gorknoids]

Q)  What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?


A)  One of them shucks between fits.

[Majer]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
 All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
 then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
 job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
 says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

 The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 "Done!" replies the government official.

 And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[m25operator]

Majer, on target as usual.

[philw]

Doctors:
(A)       The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B)       Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C)       Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A)       The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes that's 80 million).
(B)       The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C)       The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI.

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT:  NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers,
 for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!