Classic joke thread...

[Timothy]

I'm retired and I can do what ever my wife wants me to!

So There!!!!!!

Richard

So Richard, can I infer that my life won't change much when I retire?

Drat!!!

[Bill Stryker]

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!"
 
The husband said "The what"?
 
The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
 
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
 
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"
 
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
 The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
 
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, sh e became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
 
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
 
Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right..Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history....

[tombogan03884]

It's Deepwaters fault I found these 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uj7zi9Tp5s4&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMxWLuOFyZM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAaWvVFERVA&feature=related (Also known as the OBAMA tapes)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V7zbWNznbs&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPGb4STRfKw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krb2OdQksMc&feature=related

[ellis4538]

Timothy, the "HONEY DO" list grows the day you retire (I loose the one my wife makes for me)!  You wonder when you found time to do all the "chores" and work too!

Richard

PS:  Oh yea, don't get sick, cuz they still expect you to get everything done AND take them out to dinner.

[tombogan03884]

    Irish  Alzheimer's

     Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been  seen in Church in his  life..

    After Mass, the priest  caught up with Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be  honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that  McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off  his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I  was going to leave after Communion and steal  McGlynn's hat."

    The priest said, "Well,  Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.  What changed your  mind?"

    Murphy said, "Well, after  I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to  steal McGlynn's hat after all.."

    The priest gave Murphy a  big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you  would rather do without the hat than burn in  Hell,  right?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit  Adultery', I remembered where I left me  hat."

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

    SON OF A BITCH FISH!



    The parish priest went on a fishing trip.



    On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.



    The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"



    "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"



    "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"


    "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"



    Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.



    "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."



    "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"



    "Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"



    Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.



    While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


    "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"



    Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"



    "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"


    "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"



    Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


    "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.



    As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.



    "What are you doing Sister?"



    "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."



    "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"



    "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."



    "Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"



    "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."



    On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.



    The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.



    The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"



    "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.



    "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.



    The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"



    The new Bishop looked around at each of them.



    A big smile crept across his face as he said,



    "You Fuckers are my kind of people!"


 

[Bill Stryker]

A little known fact....

 

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

 

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

 

[Majer]

Here's a PSA on the recall for Chinese made breast implants


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-y4p0wAuKM

[tombogan03884]

THIS IS TRUE !!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090523/ap_on_re_as/as_china_suicide_help

BEIJING – Chen Fuchao, a man heavily in debt, had been contemplating suicide on a bridge in southern China for hours when a passer-by came up, shook his hand — and pushed him off the ledge.

Chen fell 26 feet (8 meters) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion laid out by authorities and survived, suffering spine and elbow injuries, the official Xinhua News Agency said Saturday.

The passer-by, 66-year-old Lai Jiansheng, had been fed up with what he called Chen's "selfish activity," Xinhua said. Traffic around the Haizhu bridge in the city of Guangzhou had been backed up for five hours and police had cordoned off the area.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interest," Lai was quoted as saying by Xinhua. "They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Xinhua said Lai was "taken away by police" but did not elaborate.

A police officer who answered the telephone Saturday at a station close to the bridge confirmed the incident and said it was under investigation. He refused to give any other details and hung up.

According to Xinhua, Chen wanted to kill himself because he had accrued 2 million yuan ($290,000) in debt from a failed construction project.

On Thursday, he made his way to the Haizhu bridge, where 11 other people have tried to take their lives since April.

Lai volunteered to talk Chen down but was turned away by police, Xinhua said. Lai then broke through the cordon, climbed to where Chen sat, greeted him with a handshake, then pushed.

Photos in the Beijing Morning Post showed Lai, shoeless and in a T-shirt, saluting after Chen fell.

The paper said Lai was released on bail Friday but did not give any details. It said he had been on medication for "a mental illness" for decades and had been on his way to a hospital for his pills.

Chen was recovering in the hospital, Xinhua said.

[tombogan03884]

    How would you pronounce this child's name:   

     

           "Le-a"   

     Leah?                  NO 

     Lee - A?              NOPE 

     Lay - a?               No way

     Lei?                     Guess Again.   



    This child attends a school in Detroit. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. 

    It's pronounced "Ledasha"...when the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent."   

     

    SO, if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash.  If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.

    [see http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/le-a.asp for the whole story;