Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357198 times)

santahog

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #740 on: July 31, 2008, 05:22:42 PM »

For anyone considering a military career, this will explain the
differences between the military services.... 

For those of you already serving/served, you already knew this:-)


Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &
diagonal preferred)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention
to shoot.


Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point
presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen and invite DOD & defense
industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close
enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy !

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them
all.)

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) -- The following
directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East.  (It was obviously directed at the
Marines.)

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any
military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.' [Both English and
Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but
some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and
English
versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon
receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dummies?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon
receipt.
With friends like these, who needs hallucinations!..

Pathfinder

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #741 on: July 31, 2008, 06:52:03 PM »
Dayumm - that is funny. Especially after seeing the Navy Seal from Seal Team 10 at the NRA convention.
"I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do this to others and I require the same from them"

J.B. Books

tumblebug

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #742 on: July 31, 2008, 07:29:56 PM »
BULLSEYE+10

dj454

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #743 on: July 31, 2008, 10:13:09 PM »
Haz-

You could learn a thing or two from this cat:

Laughing my a** off.

Grizzle_Bear

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #744 on: August 01, 2008, 08:31:40 AM »
From the “Telegraph” newspaper in the U.K.

The world's oldest jokes revealed by university research

Academics have unearthed what they believe to be Britain’s oldest joke, a 1,000-year-old double-entendre about men’s sexual desire.
 
By Stephen Adams, Arts Correspondent


 Researchers found examples of double-entendres buried in the Codex Exoniensis, a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry held at Exeter Cathedral

They found the wry observation in the Codex Exoniensis, a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry held at Exeter Cathedral.

It reads: “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?’ Answer: A key.”

Scouring ancient texts, researchers from Wolverhampton University found the jokes laid down in delicate manuscripts and carved into stone tablets up to three thousand years old.

Dr Paul MacDonald, a comic novelist and lecturer in creative writing, said ancient civilizations laughed about much the same things as we do today.

He said jokes ancient and modern shared “a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion.”

“Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humour can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research,” he commented.

Lost civilisations laughed at farts, sex, and "stupid people" just as we do today, Dr McDonald said.

But they found evidence that Egyptians were laughing at much the same thing.

"Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him," reads an Egyptian hieroglyphic from a period that pre-dates Christ.

The study, for a digital television channel, took Dr McDonald and a five-strong team of scholars more than three months to complete.

They trawled the internet, contacted dozens of museums, and spoke to numerous private book collectors in a bid to track down modern, interpreted versions of the world's oldest texts.

The team then read the texts to find hidden jokes, double-entendres or funny riddles.

Dr McDonald said only those jokes that were amusing in an historical and modern context were included in the list.

Dr McDonald, a comic novelist and a senior lecturer in creative writing, added: "We began with the assumption that the oldest forms of jokes just would not have modern day appeal, but a lot of them do.

The world's oldest surviving joke "is essentially a fart gag", he said.

The 3,000-year-old Sumerian proverb, from ancient Babylonia, reads: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

The joke has echoes of actor John Barrymore's quip: "Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock."

Dr McDonald commented: "Toilet humour goes back just about as far as we can go."

Steve North, from Dave television, said: "What is interesting about these ancient jokes is that they feature the same old stand up comedy subjects: relationships, toilet humour and sex jokes.

"The delivery may be different, but the subject matter hasn't changed a bit."

Guess we're not doing anything new here......

Grizzle Bear

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #745 on: Today at 06:47:37 AM »

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #745 on: August 01, 2008, 12:11:11 PM »
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door a and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet ..

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


 ;D
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #746 on: August 01, 2008, 12:57:04 PM »
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door a and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet ..

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


 ;D


That actually has a basis in history. Early recruits to the OSS (WWII forerunner to the CIA) were taken to a hotel in NY and told that the occupant of room X was a Nazi Agent, the recruit was given a pistol  and told to kill him. Unknown to the recruit the bullets were wax and the "target" was wearing a padded jacket.

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #747 on: August 01, 2008, 05:00:09 PM »
 
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are always  packed to the balcony.'


'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #748 on: August 01, 2008, 06:14:51 PM »
That's not so funny. Early recruits to the OSS (WWII forerunner to the CIA) were taken to a hotel in NY and told that the occupant of room X was a Nazi Agent, the recruit was given a pistol  and told to kill him. Unknown to the recruit the bullets were wax and the "target" was wearing a padded jacket.

It is in the realm of the classic "husband vs. wife" context that was meant by the joke.

Lighten up...it's a JOKE thread.
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #749 on: August 01, 2008, 06:18:17 PM »
Hope this don't offend anyone:

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded old Butch the 'No Bell Piece Prize', but they awarded him the 'Pulletsurprise' as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully this year.........you can't always hear the bells... 8)
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

 

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