Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

I have to post this one and then I'm hooked up to do real work for the next 6 hours.. ((Booooo Hiiisssss)

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
the discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So the
illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy.'

No,' says the Great Jesse Jackson, 'that would be an
accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Reverend Al.
'That's what we would call a great loss. ' The room
goes silent. No other children volunteered.


Reverend Al searches the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane
carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy.'

Fantastic!' exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, 'That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be
an accident either.

[scw78]

Laughing out loud in front of my desk at work! I need a good excuse quick, before I get in trouble 

[Bill Stryker]

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

 "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

 The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

He man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

[Bill Stryker]

Investment tips for 2008~ For all of you with any money left, be aware of
the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace
Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will me rge
and become:

ZipAudiDoDa.

5 . FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers wi ll become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang

[Teresa Heilevang]

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
but every once in awhile, you get lucky
and get some ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

[Sponsor]

[someguy]

Ricky and Bobby, two rednecks/Auburn graduates, get up early to meet the dawn for the first day of deer season.  They've been friends forever, and haven't missed an opening day since they were old enough to shoot.

Every year, one of them would pick a stand, and the other would get the dogs and 'drive' the deer towards the other.  Last year Ricky got the stand, and a nice 12-point, so this year it was Bobby's turn.  Ricky dropped Bobby off at the stand, helped unload the gear, guessed he'd be back nearby with the dogs in around an hour, and left.

Bobby sits in the stand, dreaming of that huge buck he swears he's seen lately, and sips his coffee as first light breaks.  Soon enough, he hears leaves rustling.  As quietly and with as much economy of motion as possible, he glances around until - there, just through those trees...  That's it.  Scope covers off, bolt slides home, slight windage adjustment...  Just a bit more pressure...  BOOOM. 

It drops like a brick. 

Even though he's lost track of how many times he's done this before, he's so excited that he nearly falls as he climbs down the tree.  Finally, he's down.  The treeline where it must have fallen couldn't be more than 200 yards, and he's there in no time.  He looks around, but - no deer.  Out of the corner of his eye, he sees something move a bit, and - OH GOD, he thinks - it's Ricky!

What have I done?!?  Where are the dogs?!?  WTF?!?  C'mon, man; forget all that...  GET HELP NOW!  Fortunately, his cell has good coverage, and they're really not all that far outside of town, so the ambulance gets there pretty quick, although it seems like an eternity to Bobby.

'Sir, we need you to step back and let us work,' the first medic says as he and another kneel down and get to work.  The third, a driver, pulls Bobby aside to get more info on just how this happened.  Bobby hardly even hears himself answer, as he's lost in concern, and thinking of what's happened...

A few short minutes later, the first medic slowly walks back to Bobby.  'I'm sorry, sir.  He's gone.  There wasn't a thing in the world we could do.'

Bobby is devastated.  After a moment, he gathers himself enough to ask, 'Look, I know it doesn't really matter now, but...  Is there anything I could've done that would've made a difference?'

The medic thinks for a moment, trying to be sensitive to the situation, and finally replies...







'Well, it might've helped a bit if you hadn't field-dressed him.'

*rimshot*   

Thanks; I'm here all weekend...  Don't forget to tip your servers...

[Bill Stryker]

Here is more on the Moses line. I got this one from a friend who was in the Army with me as a reply to the earlier joke:

When I was stationed in Lebanon, an Israeli woman who had been an Israeli agent during the period leading up to the War of Independence explained that this story was factually incorrect. The REAL story (according to her) was that Moses got as close as possible to the Promised Land, before he was told that he could only look at it from atop the mountain. Joshua, he was advised, would actually lead the tribes into Canaan.

Having been relieved of his command, Moses finally felt able to hold a press conference. "Why," asked Helen Thomas, "do you suppose God had you lead the people to Canaan, the 'Promised Land,' knowing that, in all the Middle East, it was the only place with no appreciable reserves of oil?"

Moses thought about the question, and finally announced, "God has a speech impediment: He was trying to say 'Canada.'"

[Ugly]

Marshal'ette Halloway, this one's for you.

A five -year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

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"Not yet." replied his mother.

[MikeBjerum]

Three guys are out golfing ...

On the first tee Moses hits the ball toward a pond.  He quickly raises his hand in the air, and the water parts.  The ball safely rolls through the pond and back onto the fairway.

On the fourth tee Jesus hits the ball, and it lands on a lily pad in the middle of a water hazard.  He calmly takes a wedge, walks across the surface and pitches the ball on the green.

On the par five ninth the old duffer shanks the ball.  It hits a rock, bouncing up to a tree limb, falls on the cart shed roof, rolls into the gutter and out the down spout.  As the ball rolls across the grass (out of bounds) a frog snatches it up and hops back to number one, where it hops out onto a lily pad.  An alligator springs up and eats the frog, but not before the frog spits the ball out.  A bass leaps from the water and grabs the ball in mid air, where an eagle swoops down and grabs the bass from the pond.  As the eagle flies away, the bass spits the ball out, it bounces twice and into the cup on number nine for a perfect ace.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate golfing with your Dad!"

[Chick Brewster]

AA.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've
been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.

I set the remote back on the table, get some towels to wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

- The car isn't washed
- The bills aren't paid
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- The flowers don't have enough water,
- There is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.