Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

For all of you who have made disparaging remarks about President Obama, please read the following...
   
    I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and Lincoln? 
    You might be surprised...
   
    Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:
   
    1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
   
    2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
   
    3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
   
    4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
   
    5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.  Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
   
    6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    7. Lincoln was a Republican.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    8. Lincoln was in the United States military.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
     
    9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    11. Lincoln was highly respected.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    12. Lincoln was born in the United States.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe.  Obama is a skinny lawyer
   
    14. Lincoln saved the United States.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
    15. Lincoln reunited a tragically divided country. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
So give the guy some credit:  He doesn't have a weight problem.

[tt11758]

INTERNET WARNING:

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,"
don't open it... It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi

[Big Frank]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure itout.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

[tt11758]

This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 17 movies you would enjoy the most. It really works..... for MOST of us anyway!


Movie Test:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again..
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 17 movies below:


Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Now, ain't that something..?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ever wonder why Sharks Circle?

Mystery solved . . .

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[gunman42782]

IMPORTANT - HEALTH MESSAGE
 
 
 











As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a care.

 
 
It's the tortoise life for me!
 











 
 
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
 











2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
 











3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
 











4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
 





 
 
And you tell me to exercise??
 
I don't think so.
 





I'm retired. Go around me!

[Sponsor]

[sledgemeister]

Italians Cornering 

[sledgemeister]

CONDOM FACTORY BURNS DOWN IN NEW ZEALAND

John Keys, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !!

I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted baby Lambs.... W'e will be ruined."

Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain ?"

PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call Joolia Gillard. Tell her we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."

Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM

[tombogan03884]

Three Cold Eskimos!

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

"Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT!"

[sledgemeister]

Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian's headdress stood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.

Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."

[tt11758]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I
take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the
garage.."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."  He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."