Classic joke thread...

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

My doc wouldn't give me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a brand new Flagpole on a condemned building.

[tombogan03884]

Did you tell him you just wanted to protect your new boots ?   

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

Did you tell him you just wanted to protect your new boots ?   

No. Just told him I needed something to hang my towel on in the bathroom.

[TAB]

Just one word

[TAB]

Best $5 ever spent

[Sponsor]

[pigpen51]

I would love to post here, but I worked in a foundry for over 35 years.  Any joke that I could put here, would be both offensive, and hurtful to more than two protected classes and most religions.  In fact, I can't even drink alcohol, in case I get drunk and start to think that I am funny, and tell a joke.  The last time that happened, the police, two nuns, and the members of the local AA meeting were all called to take me away. 
What is the worst thing, is that you would all laugh at the jokes. 

[tombogan03884]

Good heavens, Please don't offend our tender sense of morally outragous social justice .   

[TAB]

I would love to post here, but I worked in a foundry for over 35 years.  Any joke that I could put here, would be both offensive, and hurtful to more than two protected classes and most religions.  In fact, I can't even drink alcohol, in case I get drunk and start to think that I am funny, and tell a joke.  The last time that happened, the police, two nuns, and the members of the local AA meeting were all called to take me away. 
What is the worst thing, is that you would all laugh at the jokes.

  i didnt know there where jokes that were funny that disnt do that.

[Big Frank]

My doc wouldn't give me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a brand new Flagpole on a condemned building.

My uncle stuck a Viagra in his ear and was hard of hearing the rest of his life. He didn't want to hear anything my aunt said anyway.

[Big Frank]

I learned a couple of things yesterday.

1. A 0.045" thick cutting wheel, the really thin kind, spinning at 12,500 RPM on an angle grinder, not only cuts though solid steel, it cuts through human flesh. My new neighbors probably heard me yell, "F**k!" before I started grinding again. I got it just behind the web of my left hand. There was surprisingly little blood, but it still stings a little when I wash my hands. I didn't cut myself very deep because it's a sensation that instantly tells your brain to stop doing that.

2. A hot cup of coffee will wake you up, and it doesn't even need to have caffeine in it. Anyone who doesn't think so hasn't spilled a cup of hot coffee in their lap. Actually I already knew that from prior experience, but was reminded again yesterday.

3. Not yesterday. but today, I was once again reminded of something else I already knew. You have to wait a much shorter time for a timer to go off if you remember to set it and press the start button. You have to do both of those things and I did neither, until after I sat here wondering why it was taking so long.

4. I haven't done this one personally, but thought it was good advice that bears repeating. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.