Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1371974 times)

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5860 on: April 11, 2024, 08:51:53 AM »
 8)
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5861 on: April 11, 2024, 08:56:04 AM »
 ;D
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5862 on: April 12, 2024, 06:25:02 AM »
 ;D
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5863 on: April 12, 2024, 10:31:45 PM »
Q: How does Chuck Norris flush the toilet?

A: Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the s**t out it.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5864 on: April 13, 2024, 07:25:25 AM »
The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5865 on: Today at 09:06:49 PM »

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5865 on: April 13, 2024, 05:00:43 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D Good one, Mike.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5866 on: April 13, 2024, 05:01:07 PM »
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5867 on: April 13, 2024, 11:48:06 PM »
I got a good chuckle out of one of Johnnie Cochran's quotes.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaiaTdIQ-wQ


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ki6z4ohppbE
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5868 on: April 14, 2024, 09:42:09 AM »
A prostitute had her appendix removed, and the surgeon closed the wrong hole. Now she's making money on the side.

Another prostitute was told by her doctor to give her vagina time to recuperate. Now she's making money hand over fist.

What do you call a prostitute in Utqiagvik, Alaska? A frostitute.

My fried Dave asked a prostitute: How much for a blowjob?
Prostitute: Ummm, $20.
Dave: Wow! It was $100 for my friend. I guess I am your favorite.
Prostitute: No, I charge $10 per inch.

One day, a prostitute went to file her taxes, and for her occupation, she put down "prostitution."
The tax man explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it, and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later, she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get to "chicken farmer" from prostitution."
She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

A man was walking down the street and this prostitute asked him, "Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure," he said, and they went to the nearest motel.
She took off her clothes and he just kept staring at her.
She said, "Is this the first vagina you've seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy said, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into!"

Q: Whats the difference between a prostitute and a Kit Kat?
A: You only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat!

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25!"

Q: What do you call kids born in a house of ill repute?
A: Brothel sprouts.

Q: What do bungee jumping and prostitutes have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks, and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a prostitute with diarrhea?
A: One shucks between fits.

Q: What do you tell a prostitute with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing. You've already told her twice!

Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
A: A night-crawler!

 Q: What's the differece between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!

Q: What's the difference between Jell-o and a dead prostitute?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it! :o

Q: What's the difference between a Corvette and a dead prostitute?
A: I don't have a Corvette in my garage!

Q: If a new prostitute uses Vaseline, what does an old prostitute use?
A: Polygrip!

Q: Why do politicians never conduct business on the same street where a prostitute is working?
A: Professional courtesy!
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5869 on: April 17, 2024, 02:41:36 PM »
Weapons Manipulation: Fine Motor Skills vs Gross Motor Skills Reload.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53Jd3ltvb8k
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

 

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