Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'WHAT'S HE LIKE?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'CROWN ROYAL whiskey and women with Big Tits.'
 
 
 

[jaybet]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'WHAT'S HE LIKE?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'CROWN ROYAL whiskey and women with Big Tits.'
 
 
 

Mette...you realize that narrows it down to about 97% of the grandfather aged dudes.

[PegLeg45]

OK...here's a short 'groaner'.......


A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker.

The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says, "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop, "Prove it."

So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives.

At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy, "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

[MikeBjerum]

Forgive me if I've posted this one before, but I crossed a mile stone the other day and it hasn't gone well.

The other day an older couple was sitting at the local steak house enjoying an evening out.  As the evening went on the man was having a tough time chewing his steak.  As he complained to his wife about his old dentures the couple at the next table overheard and the gentleman reached in his pocket, pulled out a set of teeth and said "try these." 

After chewing for a little while he commented they were a little loose.  The gentleman reached in his other pocket, took out another set and exchanged.

After another piece of steak the man said these are better, but just a tad tight.  The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced a third set.

After a bite of steak, then another and yet another the old man grinned and said these are perfect!

The couples continued their meals and evenings side by side without any more exchange.  As the gentleman and his wife got up to leave the elderly lady thanked him profusely for the help and inquired "Are you a dentist?"  "No" came the reply "A funeral director."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Nair Pharmacist Warning

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for 2 days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer'. The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week'.
 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

50 Years of marriage
 
 

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.     'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal.

[kmitch200]

Lucky Day?

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. 

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." 

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer is broken."

[ericire12]

Video: Triumph The Insult Comic Dog at the Republican convention



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eneq0jcMlTw

[Hazcat]

That's it...keep the stereotypes going.  IDIOT!  (NOT you Encircle)

[PegLeg45]

Two good old boys were trying to get a stubborn mule into a barn.
The mule's ears touched the top of the small barn door, and he wouldn't proceed any further.
One of the boys came up with a bright idea.
"Why don't we cut two holes in the barn above the door for the ears to go through?"
So they proceeded to do this.
A city man was driving by and noticed the spectacle.
So he asked what they were doing.
They told him they were cutting holes in the barn so the mule could go through the door.
He asked, "Why don't you simply take a shovel and dig a small trench in the dirt?"
One good old boy looked at the other and said, "Isn't that just like a city slicker."
Then he yelled, "It's his ears that are too big, not his legs!"